Personnel Files: Zeus

The King of the Gods. The Head Honcho. The Big Cheese. The “Citizen Kane” of deities. When it comes to the gods of Olympus, Zeus’s authority is second to none. When it comes to the whole of the Hellenistic Pantheon, his authority is fourth to me and my sisters’, but hey, who’s keeping score, right? Though he has no official association with The Bureau of Death, as king of the gods, he has considerable sway in all of the celestial spheres. Fortunately, Hades usually does a pretty good job of making sure he doesn’t try to interfere with our plans in The Underworld. Though he’s not really the type to care about that kind of thing. We ever find him in The Underworld, it’ll probably be because he’s trying to fornicate with a spirit of the deceased or something wacky like that. Because Zeus may be the absolute king of everything, but he’s still best known for being the biggest horndog in all the known universe. He’s gotten it on with more types of beings than you’re likely to see during your eternity as a Reaper. Goddesses? Of course. Nymphs? Oh, hell yeah. Mortals? Check. Dudes? You betcha, even if it was just that one time. It’d be shorter to make a list of all the types of beings he hasn’t fornicated with: Extra-Hellenistic deities (I certainly hope not), The Moirai (I CERTAINLY HOPE NOT).

But, despite all the shit we give him, Zeus isn’t a bad guy. After all, there is a reason that we rigged that game of chance deciding who would rule what so that he’d become king of the gods. (By the way: Don’t go around telling that to people.) He may be a little arrogant, but I certainly wouldn’t call him “ambitious”. He’s strong enough to lead when he needs to, but his libido usually prevents him from abusing his power. (Except for in one extremely predictable way, which, while unfortunate, may be the one thing that is beyond even Our power to stop. If there is one thing in this universe more certain than Fate, it’s that Zeus will always be mackin’ on the ladies.) He loves being the guy in charge, but hates having to actually take charge, so he mostly leaves the gods to their own realms, except when emergencies arise. When that happens, his desire to get on with getting it on usually motivates him to resolve the situation as quickly as possible.

If, for whatever reason, he or one of his agents starts bossing you around, it’s usually easier to just go along with it. Most of the gods have learned this by now. Unless, of course, his orders conflict with The Rules of The Reaper. If he starts getting cheeky with you, name-drop Atropos, and that’ll usually shut him up. The two don’t get along well; Zeus hates being reminded that he’s not the strongest, and Atropos hates how he cares more about his erotic escapades than her Grand Design of Fate. Which is why I’m writing this section instead of her. I know this hasn’t exactly been a glowing review, but you don’t want to read what Atropos has to say about him, and I certainly don’t want Zeus to read what she has to say about him. Zeus is like that one wacky coworker whose hijinks should’ve gotten him fired years ago. His continued employment is a mystery to all, up until circumstances force him to step up to the plate, and he knocks it out of the park. Because, while he may be a goofball, he’s a goofball that’s damn good at his job.