Friday, January 15, 2016

Personnel Files: Athena [REDACTED]

Athena! Athena freakin’… I wish that the divine had surnames, just so I could spend more time saying Athena. She’s so cool. Like, if a high-five and a fist bump had a baby, it would be Athena. Which is ironic because… er, she actually never was a baby. She was born a full adult from Zeus’s head, because he had lain with this Titaness, Metis, and then swallowed her because he was afraid her offspring would overthrow him. It was this whole thing. Anyway, details of her birth are mad unimportant, so I won’t go into any further detail.

Athena is basically a bad bitch who gets it done. What is “it”, exactly, you may ask? Well, anything and everything, really. She’s the Goddess of wisdom, crafts, and tactical warfare. She’s basically Ares and Hephaestus rolled into one, except not nearly as sucky as those guys. (Great, now I’m being mean. I apologize to Hephaestus. He’s not that sucky. Ares, on the other hand, is pretty sucky. –Sis) (Wait, I just remembered that Hephaestus is actually HELLA sucky. Basically, every God is just the worst, and I wanna go fight them all right now -Sis again) You know how Hephaestus makes pretty much all of the toys the Gods get to play with? Well Athena designed pretty much all of that stuff. And all the stuff from antiquity, that predates her, was improved by upgrades she suggested. Before Athena, Zeus just had regular old lightning. Now he has forked lightning, upwards lightning, not to mention ball lightning. Do you know how much he loves that stuff? More than his wife, that’s for sure. Hey-o!

Anyway, Athena is pretty much The Pantheon’s problem solver. She has a hand in almost every major project of The Gods. You know how Tartarus has more security measures than you can possibly imagine? Athena came up with at least half of those. Our utter faith that the secrets in The River Lethe will remain lost? All on Athena’s good word. Atropos’ impossibly sharp Abhorrent Shears? OK, Athena had nothing to do with those. I’mma level with you: no one knows what those are or where they came from. At least, I certainly don’t. See, this is why I didn’t think it was a good idea for me to write about Athena. Because I honestly don’t have much to say about her other than “she’s the coolest and greatest” and various synonyms, so I keep getting sidetracked.
While Athena isn’t technically an official of The Bureau of Death, she’s something of a contractor, so you may see her in The Underworld from time to time. And, even though I can totally understand why you would, don’t just stand there slack-jawed at her brilliant splendor. Athena is super chill, and won’t mind at all if you just come up to her and start chatting. Just tell her you’re a fan of her work. Because, trust me, you are. Do you like how The Grim Scythe cuts through souls like a hot knife through butter? Do you enjoy flying across the world on winged sandals at speeds matched only by Hermes? Are you a fan of not being utterly annihilated by angry extra-Hellenistic deities with a vendetta? Then give her your thanks in person. Unless, of course, she’s super busy, which is, unfortunately, all too often. She has a tendency of being rather… curt when she’s focused on a certain task, but she’s still polite. And if she says she’ll get back with you, she will. All in all, Athena is a 10/10 badass, a 10/10 sweetheart, and an 11/10 pal. Would recommend.

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